Well isn’t it just looking Fall AF out there today. The leaves are beyond majestic and the squirrels, much like the freshmen university students, are liable to jump out into traffic at any moment. Constant Vigilance! Thanks professor Moody. Jermaine to the third last sentence, I did tragically end the life of one recently. His beautiful eyes, frisky personality and love of nuts will never be forgotten. Plus… I understand he was an engineering major.
For the record, and legality purposes, no students or squirrels were harmed in the writing of this article.
Anyway, this piece is rather different from my usual. No rhymes and discussing concepts of a slightly more complicated nature. To me anyway. Let me know what you think please, I’m definitely not sure about this one. Further beyond my comfort zone than I generally care to tread. Which is to say, approximately 2 inches. It’s only from yesterday so likely needs more than a few tweaks but let’s see where we are. Enjoy!
All that we can’t Left behind, October 11, 2018.
Inevitable nonexistence for all
Once absent living memory
The current stifling distance
Between approximate points
Of triumphant personal glory
And perpetual necrotizing self-abuse
Become relatively negligible
Only way then to impart legacy
Catalyze permanent revolution
Rise an essence so intensely virtuous
The vast tonnage of looming filth
May blanket the outside of said idea
Will build upon itself to insipid piles
And give birth to tectonic pressure
But deep within this putrid capsule
Immaculate and defiantly unharmed
Will forever reside your golden ore
Eternally obliterating surging malevolence
For cause of those who can never unearth
The love of many long-buried beneath it.
I’m not going to get into an in-depth and determinedly one-sided discussion on the barely follow-able progressing symbolism and whatnot. I don’t have an hour to try to explain it properly to myself, let alone the rest of you. It’s definitely not you, it’s me.
I did knowingly use the term “permanent revolution” but I don’t mean it in the same way as he who coined it, Marx, or those following him. I want to define something smaller but simultaneously so much bigger than its former usage. Like the pebble that starts the avalanche, not everything great starts out as such. It’s possible I’m confusing even myself at this point.
Please remember, leaf-peeping is both seasonally appropriate and fun but window-peeping is a misdemeanor.
Happy Trails and Waggy Tales!
-Alex Blaikie
dreadpoetssobriety
A broken mind held together by cellophane and some tack.
You said to let you know what we think: here’s my honest criticism. Warning….I’m an idiot and do not take anything personally. That should be obvious…
1. Punctuation is needed for the (me) idiot’s
2. Like use of ‘necrotizing’ but not ‘self-abuse’
3. ‘Relatively negligible’ is an interesting concept…..find better words
4. ‘Catalyze permanent revolution’…..hmmmm, like the gist but not the words…..were my thoughts before reading your ‘afternotes’. Further questions why are you quoting Marx here? Why is this the best Marx quote to illustrate whatever you are trying to illustrate (presumeably, one of Marx’s unknown gems…)
5. “intensely virtuous”…..drop the adverb or change words….the adverb cheapens your sentiments.
6. Consider cutting everything b/w :
“Between approximate points (keep this line and then pick up with your line) ….the vast tongue ”
7. Cut “will build upon itself to insipid piles.”
Great words….you have several pieces here. Dont smash them into one….you’d be selling yourself and your ideas short.
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That is an extremely comprehensive and equally appreciated response. Particularly splitting it into more than one poem. Thank you very much for your honest feedback. Have a great weekend!
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Likewise…Roll tide, roll. So glad you write and share
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Well done for stepping out, a brave action and I think one that will help you grow. I need to re-read the piece before commenting or giving what I would consider any valuable opinions other than I do agree that this could become several works. Keep exploring it. Also for some reason the word filth didn’t work for me, it jarred somehow but that might be just me or it might actually be what you want. I look forward to reading more of this as indeed I look forward to all of your posts. Thank you.
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🦋 I’m no expert. I’m not a editor but I don’t think punctuation is neccesary in all poetry.
If it flows there’s no problem…with me anyway. I don’t always use punctuation in poetry.
I think it can take the focus off the words, which yours, by the way are beautifully written.
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