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All the Single Mermaids

Aloha visitors, please leave this site in the same or better condition than the manner in which you found it. My dog thinks I’m funny.

I hope to find you all ludicrously well, refreshed but perhaps just a bit worn after a weekend of epic proportions. Mine was regularly sized but I enjoyed it splendidly nonetheless.

A bit of a break today from the ultra-serious, unnecessarily meta recent overtones. Let us just chill out on this sunny Monday with a poem I’ve had stashed forever because despite quite liking some lines, mostly despise overall. It was meant to be funny and light-hearted but mostly ends up a tragic and misguided allegory for some serious evil. I’ll go into detail after regarding my efforts at reform. Of the poem, still working out the details of my sentencing. 🙂

Please also forgive the absurdly tortured titular pun, or should I say the approximately 6 bad puns merged into the “Ratking” of bad puns.

“8 (Mer)Maids, Ah! Bilking” June 25, 2018.

Parted some ferns and looked down on the scene

Tried to take in of the vision serene

In emerald-tinted crystalline waters

Frolic enchanted mermaids and daughters

Chambered blow-gun, tranquillizer darts

Sedative’s best if you aim for their hearts

Let loose a barrage, took down at least five

Monitored vitals, ensure kept alive

Finally plump plunder well within reach

Just had to carry them all to the beach

Lengthy voyage back to country of berth

Longer still when new to standing on earth

At last to arrive, toxic new landscape

Royals and peasants stroll by mouths agape

Moved on then to more domestic setting

Outside the water cannot stop sweating

(This is way darker than I’d intended

Sorry to all I may have offended

Try to redeem it by ending more fun

Maybe some dumb joke or extra lame pun?)

Downside to stealing, mermaids for namesakes

Toting them out to, pool provokes backaches.

I had a hard time getting the rhyme right in my head for the last 2 lines so I added commas for all of our benefits.

Man does that ever end up sounding like slavery. I couldn’t scrap it though because I loved, “emerald-tinted crystalline waters”, too much. I even considered just trashing it all except for that and maybe another line or two. I thought maybe reversing and making the mermaids the bosses in the end was better but that’s not a particularly pleasant narrative either. Like somehow it would justify their kidnapping. Fuck, maybe I’m looking too deeply into this but please know it was intended as a swashbuckling adventure prior to becoming depressingly relevant.

If we really want to go spelunking into the depths of our bleak psyches then it also rings of an unfortunate parallel of decimating something perfect. An unfortunately proficient human ability.

So here we are… let’s call it a sea-tale of female empowerment, captured by feckless douchebags they overcome to lounge in the pool sipping frozen cocktails whilst their inferior peniled serfs attend to their every whim. All the single mermaids, all the single mermaids!

Be good kids.

-Alex Blaikie


♫ Up in the club,

Flippin’ my fins,

All up on my roam,

You bought me a drink

But you’ll sink

If I take you home

Cause if you like it then you’ll prob need some water wings

If you like it then you’ll prob need some water wings

Otherwise check just what drowning brings

O O O O O O O O O lot’s more of, the letter O O O O O O O O O O O O O O ♫

I literally could not stop myself. Cheers!



Categories: poetry writing

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A fractured mind held together by cellophane and some used tack.

18 replies

  1. Aww it’s not as bad as you make it out to be. I find it rather funny. Call it coincidence or not, I just happened to rewatch Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides today which has those mermaids in it. 😂☺

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First, I want to thank you for following my blog. I hope you are enjoying my current series on the behind the scenes of writing challenges. As to your post, the fate of the 8 mermaids is rather dark. I reread it though. It is a striking poem. Marsha 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Embrace your darkness; it is where beauty and insight are born. We can only struggle to become a fulcrum and change the balance of power in the world when inequalities are interrogated and the silenced given voice. I like your captive sirens; is this a reference to the Hanging of the Maids in the Odyssey? Among the most disturbing scenes in classical literature, and most useful in provoking discussion of patriarchy.

    Liked by 2 people

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