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Good morning, dear peeps and poops. I do hope to find you exceedingly well! Just a lunch time quickie today, but since this absurd “verse” is suddenly topical I could not resist.

This isn’t so much of a poem as a terrible rewrite of of an already awful Disney single. But since the character in question is now receiving their own backstory feature, I better get this out now before they try to overly sympathize his infamy. So with chuckling amusement, I present…


“Gast-off”, June 9, 2021. 

No one fucks like Gaston,

No one cucks like Gaston,

Pre-morning no one you out chucks like Gaston,

He’s a shining example of misogyny,

We’ll never be like Gaston. 


Admittedly, I had to take some minor liberties with the meter but if Weird Al can do it than this undoubtedly weirder Al has few qualms.

Now this is a touch hypocritical given I don’t much enjoy entertaining overnight but then I’ve already one sweaty bitch taking up too much room, really two if I’m including myself, which hardly leaves room for a third. God help me should some sort of orgy ever manage to cross my threshold. Luckily I’ve runic wards in place.

When I say, “no one fucks like Gaston”, I mean he’s into some weird shit, not that he’s Casanova-talented and horse-hung. Let’s just say he likes “to fuck them some place very uncomfortable”. “What, like the backseat of a Volkswagen?” Mallrats anyone?

Well folks, that’s all for me today, I don’t think anyone wants to hear more of this vaguely nauseating rhetoric. Apologies for the unusually crude nature of today’s lecture but let’s be honest, Gaston is a feckless deviant. His hair sure whips though.

Happy Trails and Waggy Tails,

Alex Blaikie

Categories: comedy new original poetry writing

Tagged as:


A fractured mind held together by cellophane and some used tack.

2 replies

  1. I think I’m missing every cultural reference in this piece. Who is Gaston? Which Disney classic? Beauty and the beast? Is your poem a takeoff of a Disney song? Am I the only one who’s lost on this? I do like the idea of you being Weirder Al 😝. Weird Al really was breaking ground! If you like him, check out Dr Demento from the 1970s

    Liked by 1 person

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