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Phylum? I Hardly Know ‘Em

Well hello, dear family, genus and species! I hope everyone is even better than I hope you are, and I hope you’re really well! Quick update, we will indeed be returning to the poetry module with the next post. Not sure if anyone’s tried coming up fresh jokes, in a vacuum, by yourself, while rarely leaving the house, but it’s an absolute bitch. It’s odd, but the poems come naturally as do the antics stemming from them, but damn if I can come up with much worthy of laughter on its own. Let’s try anyway.

Reading the description of what I assume is a terribly mediocre film, it made mention of a menacing “cauldron” of bats. I thought that alone was amusing so decided to look into some of the more entertaining terms for gatherings of fauna. Sure we all know a murder of crows and maybe even a flamboyance of flamingos, but when humanity encounters nature, beyond one of the parties devouring the other, good things are sometimes possible. Here’s some of my personal favourites.

A bloat of hippos. Now I’m not sure that’s necessarily fair. Sure they’re somewhat rotund but are we in a position to assume their gassiness as well? Then again, my understanding is hippos actually kill more humans than any other African animal, and while the locals likely consume little in the way of processed grossness, the meandering tourists are sure to provoke indigestion. And god help you if they’re hungry hungry.

A congregation of alligators. Westboro Baptists, no doubt.

A sleuth of bears. Now this one fits, bears are indeed conniving roustabouts. There was a quote from a Yosemite park ranger on why garbage containers were so difficult to design that went something along the lines of, “the overlap between the smartest bear and the dumbest tourist is considerable”. I believe it. Tourists are really taking a beating in this post. At least they’re not being munched this time. That would be too grizzly. Big oof there.

A conspiracy of lemurs. Zoboomafoo always seemed a touch scheming. Why else was he always leaping around? Plus, how could he be all three of puppet, Claymation and real? That’s the real conspiracy.

A shrewdness of apes. Must be talking about other apes than the ones I know. A lewdness of apes would perhaps be more appropriate.

A venue of vultures. Any bar/ club where the average age of males exceeds that of females by more than 25 human years. But then, who are the vultures in this analogy? The elders desiring young flesh, or the empowered females profiting from the desiccating ancients? Both and neither, I expect. This is all nonsense anyway.

A smack of jellyfish. I must admit a twisted desire to smack someone with a jellyfish now.

An obstinance of buffalo. If only they had proven more obstinate perhaps the settlers would not have hunted them essentially to extinction. Poor tatonka.

A coalition of cheetahs. So, the movie 21?

A posse of turkeys. I can’t help but picture them with tiny boots and holsters in a western motif. Kind of adorable really.

A business of ferrets. I wonder what they would do, there was that racoon catering company from Big Mouth, maybe ferrets would perform similarly? Really though I picture them in tiny suits overseeing transactions. Maybe running the animal Gringotts? What would animals use as currency? Bearer bonds, I expect.

I’m going to call it here, this post is determinably bizarre so apologies there but as previously mentioned we’re returning to the original format next time out, so we can all look forward to that!

Happy Trails and Waggy Tales!

-Alex Blaikie

Categories: author comedy writing

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A fractured mind held together by cellophane and some used tack.

6 replies

  1. Zoboomafoo! I had forgotten about that Kratt’s brothers’ show. I watched that with my daughters and enjoyed it! I see ferrets more in the used car business, for some reason. Though maybe I’m just thinking of weasels. Enjoyable, Dreads!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was leaping along, leap, leap, leap. Maybe used car salespeople, not all fiery mammals can attain cushy positions like the aforementioned lemur. Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to share some thoughts❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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